Entry 15

I have no recollection of writing the same topic that I’m going to write all I can say is that It sucks when you want to be a good person but, don’t have a good figure to take on. All you can do is pull from your emotions which at times isn’t the best because you have to sometimes think and then act. Due in part that acting out of emotions isn’t going to go your way and it sucks because that’s how some people are raised. I can’t recall my childhood all I can recall are glimpses most of it is trauma y’know? I wasn’t given the opportunity to think everything was already decided for me I had no free will. I didn’t have the opportunity to socialize with my friends outside of school. I couldn’t go out with my friends or even go to birthday parties I just stayed at home and stayed in my room as much as possible because it was the best way I could be alone and not deal with my dad’s emotional abuse. Now, I have a house and I don’t know how to act and by that I mean I don’t know how to be “free” I feel as if my safe place is my house but, I am very protective about it and recently I haven’t been the best brother to my sister and it sucks because I want to be a good brother to her. At times I feel as if I’m doing more harm to our relationship rather than good and I’m starting to think myself that I’m becoming more like my father it makes me sick to my stomach because my goal has always been to be a better person than my father and I can’t seem to know how to be better than him because all I know about being a father or a leader is all through him and I hate it. I also hate that I blame him for why my life is bad and why I act the way I act because, in reality, I should be blaming myself for everything because It’s my life now not his. He can’t control my life anymore and it’s hard now to open my eyes and understand that I have control over my life now and that I’m responsible for what happens next in my life. I’m not my father and my father isn’t me and whether or not we have the same name I have to understand that it’s time to grow and learn so I can be a better person than he was. I hope whoever reads this gets something out of it. Hope you have a wonderful day/night 🙂