What to be? What to do?

I don’t know what I want to do or what I want to be; I hate it because I feel so lost without a guide. That guide is what my heart wants to do or follow it’s depressing and annoying. It makes me feel like a loser. I understand that I always say to keep trying new things and trying to be the best you can be but, I just can’t follow my own words. I have an image in my head of what I want to look like and where I want to be but it feels so distant to accomplish. I want to be smart and wise yet I can’t seem to memorize what I read or hear, I have problems moving forward in the sense that I have no motivation to take steps forward to be the person I want to be. I feel like I want things handed to me; money, happiness, wisdom, etc., I want to be the best version of myself. In my mind, I want to be physically healthy and strong to be wise so I can know what I can change and what I cannot change. I want to be smart to educate people and to converse with people so I don’t look like a fool. I want to be loving so I can show my love to my other half, to be a father or a better father than what I had growing up. Things aren’t easy and I don’t think it will get easier as soon as one goal is completed one shouldn’t stop. One should keep moving to find the next goal in life. I want peace and I finally have it but, the quietness is so lonely and depressing I want chaos at times and I miss it at times. I want to fight or even argue and it’s sad to say but it’s true I feel like I grab shit out of my ass to argue about. I hate it but, for some reason, it feels soothing to argue or have a discussion. I wonder if my childhood shaped me this way and if there’s a way to fix it. Is there a way to be better? Is there a way to truly be at peace and not want chaos? The answer to that is simple but, complex to put into action. You would have to think about what you’re about to say before saying it. Especially if you’re so used to having a smart and quick mouth. You would have to control your emotions when a discussion is taking place when you’re so used to being attacked verbally or yelled at. You would have to know the difference in a discussion where a lot of different minds are conversing. Saying what’s on their mind and telling you that your idea is great but could be better or your philosophy. If you’re not used to positive criticism just negative criticism it’s going to be hard to distinguish them. Change is hard but can be accomplished with hard work and dedication just understand it won’t happen in one day it’ll take time. Just like you’ve changed from the moment you were born to right now. Change is a part of life and one way or another you will do it on your own or life will force you to change. Whichever you decide to do will change for life for the better or worse.