My Thoughts Tonight

I can’t explain why I feel this way nor can I come to peace if it is my fault for feeling the way I feel right now. I do not know if I am being selfish or if I’m being correct and it’s bugging me to the point where I have to write this down. I want to understand myself and the way I feel at this very moment. I am stressed because I couldn’t do my job properly and I couldn’t be at ease at work. I couldn’t be “care-free” or feel as if I was doing my job correctly. I felt as if everything I did was incorrect, I was letting people down something that I don’t like doing. As I’m writing this I’m in the process of doubting what I’m even writing. I truly don’t know if even what I’m writing is making sense at all. But, all I can say is that I am doubting myself tonight and I’m thinking if everything that I’ve done so far is truly correct I am stressed and I am trying to make sense of this feeling by just thinking but the more I think the more incoherent my thoughts get and It starts to stress me out more. All I can say in this entry is that I truly understand why sometimes people choose to stay in the same spot because they know what to do when things go wrong and what to expect. It’s like living in a house and knowing everything knowing when something needs fixing or knowing that the floor creaks when you step over it y’know? You find it normal and when things get abnormal it freaks them out. If they buy a new house they won’t know if a creak is normal or abnormal. They won’t know what needs to be fixed and if they find that out of nowhere that’s where the stress comes from. Something that people avoid to be at peace, something that I avoided at my last position by doing everything fast and correctly. Now at this position every new mess I create I stress out and every new thing that comes at me I stress out about. I blame people for it in the back of my head like today but the reality of it is that It’s me because I’m new and of course I won’t know what to do when a new situation arises because it’s never happened to me. A solution isn’t there in the back of mind when something happens. It is my fault or at least it is no one’s fault, not even your own because how can you tell a baby bird to fly when it can’t fly. You can’t expect someone to do something they’ve never done before. You just can’t and the reality of it is that today I did mess up but I got stressed out because I’ve never been in that situation or have even seen someone in my situation and how they’ve dealt with it. Stress is normal when you’re in an environment you don’t know and don’t know how to deal with and it’s normal. It’s not bad in some people’s eyes it might mean something good because it’s something you’ll remember so you can learn from it so next time you’ll be ready for it. When you know it you’ll see that you won’t even stress out about it, you’ll just feel relaxed and feel okay. You’ll feel confident on what to do.