Entry 14

Sometimes the past hurts to the point where a single memory can make a beautiful day into a sad one. You try the best you can to make yourself forget and tell yourself that “everything will be fine” until you’re all alone in your room and the only thing that stops the memories and emotions from flooding is to distract yourself with whatever you have. Writing is what makes my thoughts stop flooding my mind and from hating myself for the things I had done in the past. I start to recall relationships or days from high school, and it makes me sad and stressed because the only thing I can do now is just remember, instead of stopping myself from committing the worst mistakes in my life. It makes me realize that the life we are living is the byproduct of our decisions and there is no way to rewind and go back to stop ourselves from taking a decision or making one. I ask myself a question every day knowing this, I ask “what If I hadn’t broken up with her?”, “what if I had moved out sooner?”, and “What if I hadn’t exposed my heart so much throughout my high school years?”. In the end, the same answer is always “I don’t know” because that’s the truth, all I can say to myself is the life I’m living right now is mine and no one else’s I made my choices throughout the years of me living and I’m not happy of some decisions I’ve made but some I am because I’m alive and lucky to have a home that I can truly call mine. At times the past can blind us and it’s all right we just have to understand that at the end of the day we are here and we are lucky to even be alive, whether or not I find peace in my decisions one day I know that I’m here and still alive. I hope whoever reads this finds their peace with their decisions and sees how far they’ve come 🙂